Yesterday, as I was driving home, on the freeway, I approached an overpass, and there were several teenagers, young men, walking across. One of them stopped, turned toward the highway, made a gun with his finger and pretended to fire on the line of cars. Being a real, true, red-blooded American that was more than I should be asked to endure.

I pretended to pull over to the side of the road, grabbed my pretend tripod-mounted, belt-fed fully automatic HK21E large caliber high capacity machine gun, set it on the hood of my car (after pretending to put down a blanket, no point is scratching the paint, right?), and pretended to return fire. Sensing he was badly pretend outgunned, the youth dove behind the concrete wall of the overpass and pretended to launch a pretend M67 fragmentation grenade over the wire barricade.

Fortunately, my imaginary friend pretended to throw himself on the fictitious grenade, saving my life and making for a touching, emotional, yet still masculine, moment, between real men.

His pretend, selfless act of bravery inspired me so, I pretended to grab a Light Anti Tank weapon and blew up the barrier the young man was hiding behind. In desperation, he pretended to call in a pretend artillery barrage, something heavy, maybe a 155 mm battery. The pretend explosions were deafening, and everywhere.

I had no choice, it was time to call in a pretend airstrike. Soon, the sky was filled with pretend aircraft pretending to carpet bomb the area. They pretended to destroy a good portion of the freeway, the overpass and a significant share of Easton Town Center, including P.F. Changs, Abuelos, and the Foot Locker.

But, a pretend ambassador from the pretend United Nations called and made us stop. Good thing too, because I was about to go pretend nuclear. That kid will think twice before pretending to shoot at me.

A version of this post was previously published on tim-thingsastheyare.blogspot.com and is republished here with permission from the author.


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